How good are you at waiting for what you really want?
Order confirmation: January 15th, 2025, McDonald’s 2909 W Kirby, Quarter Pounder with Cheese, Medium Fries, and a Medium Coke. I had just broken my record for most Mcdonald’s orders in 7 consecutive days. Yes, I concede that I struggle to resist bodily impulses–whether that be certain foods, poor habits, or inaction–that have plagued me throughout my life, but these do not speak to the macroscopic approach to certain goals. Or do they?
In response to my lower pleasures (as tokened by John Stuart Mill in the famous Utilitarianism), I have attempted to train myself to reevaluate my immediate goals. Presented through multiple facets of my life, I believe track and field has exemplified these pursuits the most elegantly. Quantifiable. As primal as it may be, track and field is a game of numbers, chasing a numerical value as a measurement of one’s success. In fact, it is this rudimentary element that ascribes the simplicity of the path towards a greater “me” while defining explicit bulleted points on my contract to myself.
On the evening April 29th, 2022, I delegated myself the task of running at the State championships, whatever event it may be. I had no reason to elicit this goal, other than to appease my internal desire to be better, to know I’ve been better. If I was handed a “better physique” on a silver platter at that moment, I would immediately take it. Begrudged by the thought of me but better, I placed no thought into how I would make it to Eastern Illinois University in May 2023.
Each workout, each training session, each recovery became a unit of time, where each moment became a percentage of a larger task. It’s best described as a completion bar that inched closer to 100%. I developed a poor habit of rephrasing my task’s completion bar at various moments, resetting my bar halfway through an exercise to adjust the sizable “progress” of each step. In essence, I was ascribing a quantity to each step as an effort to make it seem ‘easier’ at that moment. Each mile became four 400m, each 400m became four 100m, and each 100m became ~15 seconds.
My tendency to formulate these oddly constructed percentages of a total task inadvertently led me further away from my goals. I was mentally cutting the task shorter to soothe my lackluster will to get closer to what I wanted: to achieve success with the least amount of work possible.
So am I good at patiently waiting for success? To this I say, no in the perspective of pragmatic means and yes in that of realistic ends. I am willing to suppress my own internal desires in the hopes of achieving a greater realistic end (thus my means are justified by the ends). Yet the means are often misaligned with my own values–not from a rigorous dogma, but rather through malleable circumstantial evaluation–which may portray as inconsistent diligence (diligent towards my end but not the means).
But even through these internal debates, I choose to live as free as I can from my desires no matter their distance from the present. After all, if we were to chase future valor with the same lust towards the crisp of a McDonald’s chicken nugget, I doubt success would truly settle in our hearts.
Borrowing the narrative structure from one of our in class readings, I’ll take a moment to consider the following: If we were given the opportunity to experience the success we desire instantly, without the effort—would we take it? And if we did, would it feel the same? Perhaps, perhaps not.
I like this essay as it presents a story factually, but for a personal essay a more covariational tone is what may be wanted. Lots of the story is very relatable, even if you do not run track and field. I like how it starts of with the problem of food, something that in moderation is not bad, but is detrimental in loads. I also like the breaking up of the 1600m. Although I do not struggle with this, I have seen many people work too hard to make things seem easy. This is a great personal essay that is very relatable, I would just like it to be more conversational.
ReplyDeleteHi Henry,
ReplyDeleteI am exuberant beyond belief after reading your post. Marvelous job. I really like how you've written and framed much of this narrative. In response to the question you posed, I think it is fair that your narrative wanders a little bit. I personally think that this gave me a stronger idea for who you are as a person, but I could see how it would be confusing. I looked through your paragraphs and feel like the best place for simplification may be your introduction. The first paragraph is an intriguing expose, but it results in being mostly meaningless to the essay. I see where you are going with it and feel like it would be great if you had the word count to elaborate on this side of yourself in contrast to the person you became running, but it doesn't really fit with the overall piece as is. It leaves me with more questions with answers. I think you could keep the framing of your introduction, but combining the first two paragraphs may fit the overall essay slightly better, making it more direct in the process.
Collins